When people think of love bombing, they often picture an overt narcissist showering their target with excessive compliments, extravagant gifts, and intense declarations of love. But covert narcissists use a much more subtle, deceptive version of love bombing—one that’s harder to recognize until you’re already emotionally entangled. In this post, we’ll break down how covert narcissists use love bombing, how it differs from the overt version, and how to protect yourself from falling into their trap.
What Is Love Bombing?
Love bombing is a manipulative tactic where someone overwhelms you with attention, affection, and validation to gain control over you. It creates an intense emotional connection very quickly, making you feel special, chosen, and deeply understood. However, once the narcissist secures your trust and dependency, their behavior suddenly shifts—often leading to devaluation, manipulation, and emotional abuse.
While overt narcissists use grand gestures and excessive attention, covert narcissists are much more subtle in their approach, making it harder to detect.
How Covert Narcissists Use Love Bombing Differently
1. Playing the “Soulmate” Card
Covert narcissists don’t overwhelm you with flashy gifts or extravagant displays of love. Instead, they use deep emotional connection to make you believe you’ve found someone who truly understands you.
🔹 They mirror your values, interests, and even traumas.
🔹 They create an illusion of being your “perfect match.”
🔹 They make you feel seen and heard in a way no one else has.
🚩 Red Flag: If someone seems too in sync with you, almost as if they’re reading your mind, they might be mirroring you instead of being authentic.
2. The “I’m Different from the Rest” Tactic
Instead of grand declarations of love, a covert narcissist will subtly present themselves as special and misunderstood. They may say things like:
❝ I’ve never opened up to anyone like this before. ❞
❝ People always take advantage of my kindness. ❞
❝ I’m not like those toxic people you’ve dealt with. ❞
They create an “us against the world” dynamic to make you feel like they’re trustworthy and uniquely sensitive.
🚩 Red Flag: If they frequently paint themselves as the victim and make you feel like you need to protect or “rescue” them, this is a manipulation tactic.
3. Subtle Dependence and “Soft” Clinginess
Rather than aggressively pushing for commitment, covert narcissists make themselves seem vulnerable and in need of your emotional support.
🔹 They might talk about their past heartbreaks or difficult childhood.
🔹 They subtly make you feel responsible for their happiness.
🔹 They make you feel like the only person who “gets” them.
At first, this might seem sweet and genuine, but it’s actually a way to make you emotionally invested in them quickly.
🚩 Red Flag: If someone makes you feel like their emotional well-being depends on you early in the relationship, this is a warning sign.
4. Passive-Aggressive Flattery
Covert narcissists don’t bombard you with endless praise. Instead, they use quiet, strategic compliments that make you crave more validation.
🔹 Instead of saying, “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” they’ll say:
- “I usually don’t find people attractive, but there’s something about you.”
🔹 Instead of “You’re amazing,” they say: - “You’re one of the few people who actually understand me.”
This creates a sense of exclusivity, making you feel special and different from others.
🚩 Red Flag: If their compliments often feel backhanded or designed to make you feel “chosen,” they might be subtly manipulating you.
5. Slow, Subtle Isolation
Covert narcissists don’t demand that you cut off friends and family right away. Instead, they use guilt and passive-aggressive tactics to make you naturally pull away from others.
🔹 They act disappointed or withdrawn when you spend time with others.
🔹 They subtly plant doubts about your friends’ loyalty or your family’s support.
🔹 They make you feel like they’re the only one who truly cares about you.
Before you know it, you’re prioritizing them over everyone else, and they’ve gained full emotional control.
🚩 Red Flag: If they make you feel guilty for maintaining other relationships, this is a manipulation tactic.
What Happens After the Love Bombing Stage?
Once a covert narcissist feels secure in their control over you, their behavior changes. The warmth and validation slowly fade, and you start experiencing:
💔 Devaluation: They withdraw affection, making you feel like you did something wrong.
💔 Guilt-tripping & Gaslighting: They twist situations to make you doubt yourself.
💔 Emotional Distance: They stop mirroring your emotions and become indifferent.
💔 Manipulation: They make you feel responsible for fixing the relationship.
You’ll likely cling to the initial “soulmate” phase, hoping to get back the loving person they pretended to be. But that version of them was never real—it was a manipulation tactic from the start.
How to Protect Yourself from Covert Narcissistic Love Bombing
If you suspect someone is subtly love bombing you, here’s how to protect yourself:
✔️ Slow down the relationship – Don’t let someone rush emotional intimacy.
✔️ Watch for mirroring – If they seem too similar to you, it might be fake.
✔️ Notice their victim mindset – Are they always the “misunderstood” one?
✔️ Maintain outside connections – A healthy relationship doesn’t isolate you.
✔️ Trust your gut – If something feels off, don’t ignore it.
The key to avoiding covert narcissistic love bombing is to recognize the red flags early and set boundaries before getting too emotionally attached.
Final Thoughts
Unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists don’t love bomb in obvious ways—instead, they use subtle emotional hooks to gain control. By making you feel deeply understood, mirroring your emotions, and playing the victim, they create an illusion of a rare, special connection that’s actually a trap.
Learn more about love bombing and the other three stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle in my book, Unmasking the Covert Narcissist: A Handbook for Understanding, Breaking Free, and Thriving After Intimate Partner Abuse.
💬 Have you experienced subtle love bombing from a covert narcissist? Share your story in the comments!
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